Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
