OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
