You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
