That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
