If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so let's talk penis.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
