I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
40s are totally the cure
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Randomize
