FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
