I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize