Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
