I got chris browned last night
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
