btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
