I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
