I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm getting married
To pizza
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
