arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
