I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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