well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
