Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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