Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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