Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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