If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
