Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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