She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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