no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
