But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
