I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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