I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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