next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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