operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
