So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
