Kiss
Puke
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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