I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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