I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
