Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
