I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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