did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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