Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
