My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
