my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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