I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to calm my uterus...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
