if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize