Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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