don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
