i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sarcasm needs its own font
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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