Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
