Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
