she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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