Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
