If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
