Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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