I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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