theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
