i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize