I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
