nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
