I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
