my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize