i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
