She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
