the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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