so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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