i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
