Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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